hey kids
i know it has been such a long time but i feel that it is time i go back into the blogdrive thing, since i know you all cannot hear enough about my life anyway, its not like i don't tell u all the time, lol.
alright well, i know ive been using the excuse of not writing because i don't know what to say about everything that has been going on lately (and that has been a lot) but heres the long and short of it. i just got back from planned parenthood. (and no i didn't run into any jesus freaks trying to save my soul and give up my right to contraception)
its so weird to think about everything that has been going on, i mean i guess we all figured that i might be the first one to have sex, but i didn't. and if u had asked me if i thought i would have sex and have my parents find out about it by the beginning of the summer i would have told you you were crazy. but they did and actually this might not be the worst thing in the world.
i mean their not goingt o bash in adrians head or send me to catholic school, although i do think their are going to be some major restrictions. in about an hour i am having a meeting with my parents and adrian so that we can discuss it (i know scary) but my dad told me that they want to embrace what was going on and not push me away, and hes really more concerned about taking care of my mom and not letting this drive her over the edge. i guess hes a pretty cool sweet guy.
anyway even though adrian is an idoit and left a fucking condom on the piano, and thats what got us busted i realized that im not mad at him, theres this level of unconditional love and even though sex is AMAZING ive found that its nice to just go on dates and hold hands and kiss. i guess i really love him and were going to tell my parents that we are willing to separate ourselves for the rest of the summer to prove that we are mature enough and compleatly invested in this relationship.
trust is a very funny thing, because ive never had problems with it with my parents, ive always been a good kid who would always do the right thing, and now theres this thing that i want so badly im wiling to lie for it. trust is hard to gain once you've lost it but im going to try

but i don't regret what ive done, im in love, there should at least be a little respect for that

hey kids i know it has been such a long time but i feel that it is time i go back into the blogdrive thing, since i know you all cannot hear enough about my life anyway, its not like i don't tell u all the time, lol.

well its going to be a year, that is so strange i fell so close to him and hes coming in 4 days! love is an amazing thing, if that really is what i am in, which im starting to believe it is. but there seems to be some sort of distance between us, its like we can be so amazingly in love, perfect and amazing and then he jsut gets into these moods where hes so sad with me or something. he wont even tel me whats wrong half the time, he just is so sad. and i think its love because when ever i think hes sad with me or mad at me i get this physical pain, this deep ache in my cheast. its amazing that we are connected like that but its so god damn hard. were both just a little bit fucked up and not feeling like calling him because i think hes going to make me cry is horrible. i love him so much

Habia llorado en el vientre de su madre y nacio con los ojos abiertos.

He had wept in his mothers womb and had been born with his eyes open.

wow today it is officially 2 weeks, it seems like it will go by fast hopefully, but i just don't know. its going to be amazing hopefully, but its a long time coming. yesterday we talked about kids and marriage, and the weird thing is i could actually see myself maybe staying with him that long, i mean i can at least see us living together. sleeping in the same bed and never wanting to get up, just lay in eachothers arms forever. i just wonder if we did have a relationship where we could see eachother every day, would it be as strong. would it hold up if we were in a normal relationship? of course it would, why am i even asking? but i definitly think that his moving has helped us get to where we are now. theres just a lot of pressue in a relationship like this, like if we don't move to the next level we have to wait until we see eachother again. if i feel ready its not like i can jsut go over to his house. i don't even know if im ready, lately it depends on what company im in, i feel like such a pushover. anyway, is it wrong to only want half of the next level?

i don't know how i feel right now, not really happy or sad , i just am. usually when i am just being (which is a recreational activity i do sometimes) i am happy, but not now, its faintly odd.
i think for everyone this has been a week of crying, maybe the weather (i dont' really believe that but its something people blame their problems on a lot) i think it has more to do with the moon, beautiful and controling.
its odd how controled i am by my body, my bodies need to get rid of unwanted nourishment. maybe its mad at me for not having babies all the time, hmmm. period is such a controling word, like an ending to something, a life that could have been.
and what about sex? when is that supposed to happen? when your ready? when your old enough? this summer? if were ready is it ok? damn i wish my frontal lobes were developed, but im so fucking in love how can they not be, does it get more intense? i don't know if i can handle that.

i almost cried on the way home from him today, i wanted to cry. he says i don't show my emotion and i know i don't, i guess i've been more sad these past times but i mean i never cry. how can i ever live with out him, i love being this dependant on someone, but it also sucks. HES SO FUCKING FAR AWAY. oh but this weekend was amazing, and i did get to be quite dirty (in an elevator and out side the bathooms at the science museum) wow we are ruining good natured childrens areas, haha but i love it. this summer is going to be amazing, i feel like it will be relaxed and we won't have to rush to be dirty like we do now. just to walk home on a hot late summer night, our shoes off and our feet soaking in the heat of the day from the pavement. just talking and then kissing in the night, thats what im looking forward to. bears concert night was perfect kissing weather, and ice princess and an elf , frozen in time.

i am the beautiful one, the snow fairy with dusted white over every inch of me. he sits in the snow and plays me song after song, everything but his guitar growing colder. a moment frozen in time, like a snow flake just landing on delicate eyelashes. so beautiful but only to be batted away, it is imperfect in its perfection. perfect but fradgile, perfect but lost. i am carried by his voice and i can almost touch him, georgous eyebrows and smooth skin dotted with freckles. he plays with no dynamics, just pounding a slow steady beat. he plays his heart, safe and strong. and i am wrapped by it, incircled and made whole. he makes me beautiful

well lovelies, as dicki would say. i am off to boyfriend land and i am so exciting. hopefully it will be amazing , and if not, well that isn't going to happen. i smell lovely, since i just showered and i managed to find at least 6 pairs of cute underwear, its actually kind of nice having to fine acceptable underwear. i love you all and will speak with you either while im there, i do have a cell phone or when i get back, wednesday. i have not lost my wallet, and almost all of my stuff is packed. adios loves, kates getting married? ~adriane

oh i feel ucky, i guess i am in what you would call a funk. or soemthing like that, i wonder if there is a definition for funk (maybe someone could look that up for me, and i don't mean the music kind) i need my boyfirend or someone to call me and get me out of this. i am worried about social things with dance and such, and what i am doing for the summer. my parents said we might not go to italy and im not sure if i should go to orlando with this kinda sleezy guy who invited a bunch of people from my school. im just not as excited about my summer as i was a while ago.
senoir pieces are coming up and one is really good, and one sucks. it makes me sad when someone just can't get it together to make a good piece, she keeps on changing the choreography and then blames us when we can't keep up. oh dear this is going to be an interesting week. and then one more week of school and then vacation, is it weird that most of my time is spent counting down time until i get to see adrian again? my mother says we should just get betrothed so we don't have to worry about breaking up or anything, she said it would make it a lot easier lol. i dont know i actually never pictured this relationship lasting this long, i mean i plan on being with different people before high school is over, but what if this is it? i mean he really gets me. wow do i sound in love. i guess im also worried about whats gonna happen next time i see him. im not sure that im ready to go to that next physical level, but i mean i guess i could see it happening. i just don't wanna do anything im gonna regret, not that i would i just worry. and he wants to try pot, which i know it sounds ucky of me but i am glad. becuase then i think he will know what it feels like, and not be bothered by me occaisionally using drugs. by the way i have not done anything in over a month and a half. but anyway the dolls were amazing! i wish everyone could have been there. ill try to get myself out of this ucky ness, but im not promising anything.
~the real adaza